moi-même

she may seem deep and gloomy at first sight
but you should see how her eyes sparkle at moonlight
sometimes her life is in a period of doldrums
here and there throwing in some worldly tantrums,
love, my oh my, she is a fierce lover
shrewd and stubborn - its only her cover!
she is not a girl - knows what she feels
walks in heels and can pay her bills
she is not a woman -  is soft as a petal
still yet to prove her mettle, not ready to settle
she is smart as a whip, hard as a rock
don't let her ideas turn into a hazy smoke
miles she needs to reach before she can fly high
she timidly clutters by like a new butterfly
she is a swallow opening her wings to fly
but you are her shore she will follow by
This is stupid this is insane
she is me and this is a shame
I want what I want but also want your name, against my name
My oh my – This is stupid, this is insane

wandering thoughts!

I am Just about to sleep and my eyes become moist while I reminisced the days when everything was different – fell in love and wanted this boy from a different state, different caste and totally different background from me. Friends and family thought I was a fool to make such a decision. That, I had no foresight and marriage is not a game..blah blah….

Imagine talking in English with your husband when everyone around you is staring and wondering "what kind of business deal is she making with the other person on the phone?" – You will make some nosy aunty's jaws drop and brows get raised!!!!

The common questions like "oh he is not settled, what you will do? love is not enough"…what would your kids speak when she/he grows up?", "what would happen when you eventually fall out of love as there won't be anyone to settle things for you". "haaaa, no kundali matching done???"…... All fears were valid... People raised brows! Pointed fingers! We felt we would not make it work! We fought and fought and now it became a habit… we still do but now we fight for much bigger causes - who will change baby's nappies? Who will wash babies bum after poo? Who gets to watch our favourite TV and not just rhymes! Who can lock themselves in a bathroom and have 15mins extra shower without being disturbed. It's Been 4 years that we are married and our baby is just over one now and yes, she SPEAKSSS……my husband and I learnt each other's language but who knew learning the baby language was this difficult - and it's called Gibberish!

The tears wear from my yawn and my husband is watching a stupid French film ignoring me!!! time for another fight…swords ready…swoosh whoosh!

Thanks mom dad MIL, FIL for supporting us and thanks all uncles aunties extra baggages like caste, horoscopes for NOT cropping into our relationship, pls stay away come again on a neverday!…..

Happy Birthday hubby Dear!!! May god give you strength health and immense common sense to love me and love me more J J J….

Sex, Gender and Sexuality

They say "love is blind"… It does not see caste, region, religion etc. - agreed, but does it also not see sex? …if someone said "love does not see sex" 10 years ago, I would have thought they were crazy but as I grew older, thankfully I realised that its ok for a boy to love a boy just like its ok for him to love a girl. Same rules apply even to a girl… it's important to say or write this here because it's not easy for an Indian coming from a background like mine to even Imagine that something like this is even remotely possible. To start with, let's understand what sex, gender and sexuality mean and then we may have a better understanding on how a person chooses another person to love….

Sex – It's what's in your pants and between in your legs.

Gender - What you think or feel you are in your mind

Sexuality/ orientation - Whom you like/love or whom you like to be loved by

How a brain functions for each individual is different and very complex from the rest and I think that's what makes us all unique. Having or liking or doing something different from what everyone likes or does not make anyone weird, it only makes one human - Just like everybody else.

Talking about Gay and lesbian relationship is way beyond my capacity. I don't feel qualified enough to elaborate on how they truly feel about same sex and what makes them do the things they do. Our People would think I or the person who addresses their issue is insane but what I would like to bring here is about the transgender community. I think they are most unfortunate people to be born in an environment such as ours.

The only memory I have of a transgender is the fear they bring in whenever they come either for a wedding or when the girl reaches her puberty or during the train journeys. Everyone gets threatened by them; we need to give them they money they have asked for. A rupee less than what's expected, they would curse and it's believed that the curse would become true. Now, 10 years forward and away from home, I see a transgender model is walking the ramp both for men and women, she is acting in the movies telling her side of the story and giving TED talks. They are no different than us! All this helped me understand why they are the way they are. Even though their sex is male, they are female gender. All they want is to be loved by another man, which woman doesn't? Who does not want to find that enchanting one true love? God put them in a male body but with a female heart and soul… Imagine yourself locked up in a cage unable to get out of it, how claustrophobic it would feel. It's the same feeling they would have, yearning to be someone physically they know they are at heart but appearing like someone they are not to rest of us. God gave them different software which is not compatible with the hardware, how is it their mistake? How can they be considered an abomination? The harsh behaviour we see from them back in our country could be only a defence mechanism they use to face the day to day troubles and setbacks they face being themselves. Its about time one opens the eyes of his mind and dusts all the rotten old pre-medieval thoughts and respect choices of others and co-exists.

I am happy that people in the US of A now have free will to choose who they want to be with but I know for the fact that expecting such a thing in India will be a more than a far cry. We have far worse problems to deal with. People are burnt alive if we marry with in different castes… parents threaten to die or kill if a rich person falls in love with a poor person. The intent of the blog is simple. Live and let live. Respect and earn yours. Love and be loved. It's that simple!

9 things my baby taught me!!!

While they say mother is the first and best teacher for the child, there are certain things which only babies are blessed with and it's sad that they outgrow amazing qualities like these when they grow up. Here are those essential qualities my baby has taught me which remind us why it is best to be have a baby's heart even after growing up:



1)      She knows Mom is best: it's amazing to see how baby smells the scent of their mom and even without opening her eyes she knows she is safe with her mom and calms down, all she needs is the warmth of her mom. She taught me no matter who we are or have become, where we are, how old we are, we all need that one person we can make our cold hands warm and that person can be none other than our mom.

2)      Survival skills – she startles when she is moved from side to side, grips your hand when you leave her alone and knows exactly where to feed from. All this again with her eyes closed. Agree, education makes you understand life from a different perspective but for survival, all you need is yourself and your skills…..you can go have a fancy degree or work your ass off for an admission in the world's most prestigious school, for that would teach you science or art but not how to survive, its something we need to learn by yourself and through experience.

3)      Try, try harder – every day is a challenge for her, until she was 8months old, she used to hit her forehead on the ground at least 20-30 times in day while crawling and would lose balance, she cried her lungs out and would try it again until one day, without even realising there she was sweeping the entire park. Then it happened again when she put took first steps and again when she climbed steps… she still tries really hard at many things… surprised why we lose hope and give up when we get older…

4)      Smile, Laugh, Giggle – A research found out that Babies laugh more than 300 times a day, whereas adults laugh less than 20 times a day. How amazing is that? Their needs are basic, food, love and warmth. They don't care if you had put them in a fancy moses or just on the floor..if they are comfortable, they smile…. I wish our needs and expectations are that simple but Nope, we complicate our lives, link every silly thing to other silly thing and ponder over what went wrong than to just enjoy life as it comes. This reminds me of a video where a guy explains how men's brain is compartmentalised and how women's brain is …well…ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZzzzZZZzzz. lol. I must agree with him..

5)      If you need something, ask for it – well, she does not ask explicitly yet but has other weapons to use…. She needs milk, she cries…she needs food, she cries.. Anew toy, she cries ….it feels wet-need a diaper change, she cries ….feeling dull-need a hug, she cries…feeling cold-need a blanket, she cries …. Mind you, everything is not the same cry…after a certain period of time, you will guess what that cry was for….its amazing how babies even without a proper language tell us what they want and even after having multiple languages and scripts we don't express ourselves to the ones we love. It's time we get vocal. The clearer we are in our thoughts, the simpler our lives would get.

6)      Love has no language – she cannot say a phrase completely but the best and most meaningful conversations I had which left me completely mesmerised are the ones that I had with her and that is no exaggeration….at times when life feels less than ordinary, her re-assuring hands held mine almost guiding me through tough times, as though she knows I am upset and I need her…she knows when to give the warmest hugs and sweetest kisses… it's a gift which only babies can give and one should be lucky to live that moment…..she is my guardian angel

7)      Absolutely no ego- after being told off for dumping the flour on the floor or throwing mobile phone out of the balcony or for whacking the yoga instructor on the TV with a shoe, she would cry, hide in a small corner and then wait for you to smile and when she sees even a little bit of positive curve coming up on your lips, she would run at 100mph and jump on to your lap and shower you with kisses…. All she needs is me and she has no ego accepting it… I need to learn that from her, its ok to fight, but it's also essential to give up on fights and just let it go…just kind of pure unadulterated love, only a baby can give!

8)      Be at her best no matter what she is on – be it a flowy princess kind gown, or vest and brief or a nappy or just being naked (this I call the 'happy dress')….she just does not care what she is on as long as she is comfortable in it…. with a hat, with any other accessory, she just rocks anything she wears because she just simply does not care unlike us…. We try n different things product and worry if this suits us or the other one was better when all the while that mattered is you! Not your costly make-up or your stupid dress…. Those who like you will like you anyway and those who just say you look great/terrible in that dress don't really care the next minute they passed on that comment…

9)      Trust the one you are with completely – she likes these up in the air games, she wants her dad to throw her up and she would giggle and giggle even more when she alights, absolutely no fear coz she trusts that her father has her back and would never let her down…. … such blind trust is essential for any relationship, the sense of belonging and trust that the other person will never let us down when we fall….this one is tricky though, I am not saying about trusting the person you think you have, I am talking about the having the person you can trust….

Musings of a judemental mind!!!!

I miss India! the use of colors in dressing, the Bindi's and the Choli's, The yummy street food, counting stars in the sky at night, the garam garam chai pakode on a rainy day, street shopping and bargaining with the shop keeper uncle, those small lanes and big loving hearts of our family and most importantly - Mom's food. Having said that, not everything is bad when you are away from India. some things are infact great outside India. so awesome that we Indians should also follow in our country. It's been nearly 4 years that I am away from home and I supposedly consider myself qualified to bring out the below things I noted. There may be million other things missing/ to be added to this list but I am just bringing what mattered to me most as a girl.

Age, gender – no barrier: the moment I landed in US, I called for a cab service and saw a 50 year old lady picking me up from the airport. Well, that was the first time I was alone, taking a taxi! taking a taxi outside India! experiencing a women drive a cab! As irrational as I may sound, I didn't trust a lady driving a taxi as this is not a common sight in India, the drive on the left side of the road in US only worsened my fears. I thanked god for reaching my destination only to see most important posts are handled by Women. The gated community owner, the Gym instructor, the security gaurd  and the Bank officer of BOFA who helped me open my bank account. she was close to 80. I could count the nerves on her face and the colour and sizes they were in and the wrinkles covering her lovely face, yet nothing stopped her from typing my details in the laptop and having that precious smile every time she made an eye contact with me. If there was one person whose feature I could recall even after I came back from the US, it would be hers. The day I met her was a beautiful day in summer and I absolutely loved her smiles and I still remember the warmth she possessed. Such grace in such age…awesome! how many of us see women working beyond a certain age and taking up odd jobs in india? I saw none...

Having said that, I do appreciate the fact that women have now started driving auto rickshaws and even metro rail in Chennai,  not sure about other places. If they started, then that's good! Baby steps towards better future.

Less suppression against women: they are free to wear what they want, choose a career for themselves without being categorized that it's not a career for a girl. I may be wrong but I feel there is less news about rapes and violence against women. I have wondered why these rapes and dowry cases are increasingly gaining attention in the Indian media. The only answer I could come across is that women in India are becoming more aware of what's right and what's wrong for them. These incidents have always existed in a patriarchal society such as ours but now women are learning to say No. They are coming out of their cocoon and saying that they have been subjected to harassment rather than going through the harassment all through their life. A shocking reality struck me when a middle aged woman when questioned about her husband's infidelity said "where ever he goes, he will come back to me and even after all these years, he never left me after so many flings". There was a sense of pride in her voice while her innocent eyes sparkled. I was dumbfounded at the ground reality of our women. Women consider themselves as a temple and husbands as god residing in them. There is no temple without god and there is no outlook to women without a man, to which I completely disagree. Every woman has a future of her own and it's not dictated by having or not having a man in her life. The age old saying says "behind every successful man there is a women" , ever wondered why a women is always asked or intended to be behind a man?  I will leave the question with you guys to ponder over.

Having a male child, having a child for that matter:  Being a mum has changed a lot of things in my life. I am more persevering, more patient, more caring, I am now capable enough to put someone else before me. Infact there was never a single day where I have had a peaceful night's sleep after she was born. Even the dreams I have are like "is she warm enough?", "is her diaper wet?", "is she hungry?". I guess every new mum has same worries. Having said that I also realised a few things, as much miraculous it may be to have a child, its completely ok not to want to have a baby or not to be married.  having a kid is not just bringing a child into this world but caring for him until rest of your life. The mum-Baby relationship is more sacred than marriage or your career, may be more than your own existence. I used to be very judgemental about a few mommies when they leave babies at nurseries and go back to work, letting the babies cry while doing their work or eating their meal before feeding the child but now, I don't. there might be a lot more going on than what might appear to our eye and every mom knows what's best for her baby. Both my Mum and in law wanted me to have a male child first. They told something about taking the family heritage forward which I didn't quite get. How will the man take the heritage forward when a woman is the one who bares a child. giving a sperm is never equal to giving birth to a child..NEVER. if a male child was so important, then why queen of England has been famous for ages and no one cares about her husband.  Anyway, I am thankful to my husband who always wanted a girl the moment I got pregnant, he even searched a million names and ensured he kept a name that is Indian but not specific to a region in India. He says Indian by name and Tamilian at heart, which I don't deny.

Convenience – travel is so easy. Close your eyes and pick a place in the map of London and voila, hop into the tube and yuppie, you are at your destination. All you need is your travel card and a stroller for your baby. You don't have to wait for the train for hours. being a mum, You will get priority and the transport is friendly to women and people with special needs. How many of us can imagine something like that in India. We stamp people with disability as incapable of doing work whereas the fact is that govt is incapable of providing them with proper facilities to travel, to learn and benefit from their talent. It's a loss to our nation and not just to people with such needs. here, You go anywhere you will find public toilets, feeding rooms for mom's and parks with fully functional swings and slides for the babies. In India, With population outburst, there is growing need for space and hence deforestation and filling up the ponds with Mud to make extra space available for new homes, I wonder if the situation would get any better for India coz as people multiply, resources would only get decimated

Dignity of labour – This is a very important but most ignored aspect in india. I might be wrong but having met a number of people doing blue collar jobs in india, I do get the feeling that a maid is a maid first and then a human being. People dis-regard those who are driving a cab or those who work at restaurant for money in India and boast that their children are studying or working in the US/UK, but the not so grown up parents don't realise that their child is actually cleaning the tables at a posh US location in Mc.D or KFC or picking papers in the railway station where its freezing cold just so that he could get that extra pocket money he needs for his next semester. Why this hypocrisy? Why can't we do the same stuff at our home, our land than slog in a foreign country..Aaahhhh! I see, False pride!!!!. I hope atleast the next generation understands that the grass is not always green on the other side and any job is a job as long as no one is getting hurt or cheated in the process and it earns you happiness.  Here in UK/US, even the plumber, painter and electrician comes in car and talks better English than us and since they dophysical job, they are even better looking even at a ripe age.

Although nothing can match up to the beautiful weather all round the year, the love and warmth of people in our country, its high time we deal with our shit right here and right now to make india a better country....