Being mommy from being me!

 

 

Every child is a little miracle. I am sure every mum in the world will have so many things to say about their tiny tot(s). There would be never ending list of things running in a mum's mind and everything would possibly link to their baby. The journey from being me to being a mommy has been thrilling exciting and equally exhausting too. I have been longing to write this blog to read and recollect what I have felt when I had my baby and also for my baby to read. Those, who have gone through this phase, would relate to most of the content and those who are yet to go through will get an idea.so, here's my journey for myself and those who would like to know:

The news: I was extremely unwell that Saturday morning and still I wanted to go for a run in the park which I but Mani advised otherwise. Being the rebellious kind that I am, I fought and wept myself to sleep and slept through the day . I don't know if Mani was always this wise or just wisdom showered on him for that moment, but he got me a pregnancy tester (3rd one in that month) and asked me to try it. I guess my crazy behaviour hinted him . I hesitated as I didn't want to see another negative result. After a lot of convincing, I tested again and this time it was a double line –yippieeee!!! there she was! right inside my tummy…hiding somewhere…the red line was the most important line I had ever longed for. I still feel how happy I was and how I hugged and kissed Mani and cried my heart out of happiness. Mani on the other side was speechless, the first thing he uttered was – "should I be buying a parenting book? I don't know how to be a father".  Neither did I.

The first trimester: I know people say this phase is the worst phase with all the vomiting, not being able to eat, losing weight, being unwell and all that. I have personally seen so many of my friends who have even been admitted to hospital. My baby was different. She helped me continue with my job, continue to act as sane as I needed to and helped me cope with the pregnancy. I was able to hold myself together, carry and move forward. Sure I did have nausea. the moment I wake up and have my usual glass of water I need to rush to bathroom and puke. I realised that it happens when I am irritated with some strong smells. Man, how hungry I used to be. I use to end up having 2 full breakfasts by 12 and start for my lunch and then again I used to keep eating whatever I get. I used to look at everything with the intention of eating it whether edible or not. Eating was the only thing that ran in my head then.no particular food cravings though. Just the craving for food. Looking back, it's surprising how I am back to normal now. Most of the time I ended up either sleeping or eating. I had no idea what would be the future like. What my plans would be for the baby. What would be the plans for me! All these questions were bouncers. I was happy in my own little world and the little world getting created inside me. Mani on the other hand didn't speak to anyone for about a day after the pregnancy news and then he could not be controlled. Everybody at work, in the neighbourhood, across the street and around the world knew I was pregnant and he used to have these Skype calls to all of our common friends once in a month to update on the progress. I kind of miss those days really. There is hardly any time for friends anymore.

2^nd trimester: This is where the reality hit me. There was slight scratch around my belly button. It looked like a scar and it only got bigger and deeper. I worried about it for almost a month and then there were 100 more of such tiny streaks around my belly. She was growing inside me. I could feel I was getting heavy but because of my built and my clothing, nobody was able to notice that I was pregnant. Of course thanks to no symptoms. I didn't tell anyone at office simply to avoid a scene and also not to lose my contract which was getting renewed on a monthly basis. I started following baby centre pregnancy app religiously .we had paid a visit to sonographer and she gently pressed my belly to see how the baby growth was and she pointed out my baby's tiny little feet and her little eyes and the head. She was describing her as very beautiful. She could not identify if she was a girl or boy though. I felt like I was 'Racheal' from friends. I don't know if The angle I was positioned was incorrect or it's the curiosity overshadowing the sanity or is it just because I loved to look at Mani more than the baby- I just could not get what the doc was saying, I saw Mani's eyes twinkle and his gaze carefully following the curser to see the baby as if he is going to hold her in his arm the next minute. I simply watched him watch. I was so happy to see him happy and so happy for baby to be the reason for our happiness. Just could not wait any longer to hold her in my arms. I could the first scan photos and could not wait a single minute to share them with all my friends across the globe and getting their say on if it's a boy or a girl. Everyone had their opinion and it was all the more exciting not only for me but for them as well. We were all in this together!

Many people start to feel the kicks the moves by 4^th month and I longed for those but I didn't until late 21^st week. There was this loud noise from the train and I thought the ground underneath had vibrated when the train stopped. I just grabbed a seat and then again, there she was kicking me, telling me that it was her. A sudden joy, a fear and excitement filled me and I had Goosebumps all over and could not stop blushing and the people in the train might have thought I was stupid. My tummy obviously didn't show and I frankly I didn't care what everyone thought. I just could not contain myself. I think that moment was when I realised the true meaning of "butterflies in the tummy".  I wanted to share this news with Mani but I didn't get a reaction I expected from him as he could not feel the kicks like I did. He also gave me a look of the 'overdramatic' me. Every time I kept his hand on my tummy, he would close his eyes and eagerly wait for her to kick but never once she kicked. He used to be annoyed and leave and that's when I would feel her again and he would not come back. It was as though she was playing hide and seek with him.

This was infact better than my honeymoon period. I remember going to as many as 5 trips in the 1^st and 2^nd trimester. We had been to Guernsey, Isle of white, Bournemouth, Switzerland and Greenwich. Every month was like a trip. Surprisingly I had a bigger appetite, more energy and more enthusiasm. Towards end of the trimester I felt sudden urge to pee, and every 30mins there used to be this sudden urge….. until my baby arrived

3^rd trimester: 7^th month was when I really started to show. People, especially girls in my office were particularly surprised when they realised I was 26weeks already. Later I had to tell a couple of other girls who in-turn would tell some guys and they started congratulating me, ask me if it was boy or girl. Somewhere in the 2^nd trimester we went for a second scan but the little one was very naughty and shy so, she curled herself up and we booked another scan to check her heart was ok and also to know the gender. Mani was super excited to find out. Everyone wanted a boy- typical Indian mentality. I somehow had a firm belief that it was girl but during my second trimester my thoughts drifted a bit to accept even if it's a boy. The only one who wanted a girl desperately was Mani. His theory was that 'mom and I were good influence on him and so another woman will definitely be a better influence'. I have always been proud of him for not holding on to typical Indian beliefs and norms. He never agreed for our horoscope matching, does not believe in puja punaskarams, vratam homam etc. it's surprising and refreshing for me to see him that way considering the conservative families we come from. The moment we knew it was a girl, I was thrilled. I felt as though I achieved something really great in one shot and all those pinks and purples and the buggie colours and the moses basket colours and her blankets and caps and mittens and shoes and socks, the list goes unending. I wanted everything in some colour and in some style and I was truly thrilled. Mani on the other hand went mum for the second time. I insisted him to show some excitement and he vaguely replied that he needs sometime. We went to a restaurant and for the first time I saw him ordered tea. He never drank or asked me to prepare tea. I thought he never liked it. I stopped having tea because he didn't exclusively like it. I got a clue that this is turning serious business and better I shut myself up although a million things were running in my mind whether he changed his mind or did he just say he wanted a girl and was expecting a boy instead or did his mum wash his mind off. I was trying to overthink and over calculate so many other probabilities. We quietly came home and I let him sleep that night while I did online window shopping for my baby girl. yayyyyy!!! It's a girl, I celebrated alone!

He was quiet even the next day and when I yelled at him what's wrong and if he was not happy with the news he was like "I should start earning for her marriage"," I should become big shot so that no one misbehaves with my girl". "I should be this I should be that". That was a crazy thought. Contrary to everyone's belief that boys don't care, I feel they care too much when it comes to a girl child. No wonder why daughters are more attached to fathers than mothers. Well in most cases, they do. Even before she is born, he is planning for a typical filmy Indian style future for her.  I don't know if he came back to reality even now. he always has this thing of becoming someone great so that his daughter will look up to him. Will feel and be safe. One thing is for sure, he loves her to death. I bade goodbye to my office towards my mid-8^th month and took 2 months off, my much needed break. I was literally huffing and puffing like train and making trips to loo as though it's a new home. I would rather sleep in toilet if it had a proper cushion and the hunger pangs! Oh god, I literally used to yell at my mom if the lunch is not ready at 12:00pm. This continued until my due date. We had a maternity photo-shoot. I liked like a half human half alien. For the record, I just didn't feel the pregnancy glow, I didn't feel the beauty at al. I was trying to be gracious and elegant as possible but failed miserably. I could not even get up from bed in the last one month and shortness of breath, the sweat, the insomnia, all added up to the misery. Earlier, I used to wonder how the baby would look like, if the baby would have the right features or if the baby would be healthy or fair or dark or with hair or with no hair etc. but towards the end, I started to wonder if the baby will like me as a mum. Will she think I am good enough for her? Am I capable of taking care her? Somewhere in between all the physical transformations, I could see myself transform from a just a girl who got pregnant to a an actual mother who worried about her baby, her health and if she would be worthy enough to keep her safe for rest of her life. All these I had no answer to, only time would tell. I just could not wait for the baby to come. I wanted her out now!

And then she arrived: Due date was Nov 14^th. Already 2 weeks behind our calculation. It should have been oct31st according to the 40week count. But naughty that she is, she took her own sweet time to form herself which was 2 weeks late and hence the delay, the already late delivery date got pushed even more as she didn't arrive even on nov 14^th. I had 2 membrane sweeps and finally I had the pains at mid night at 2am. I immediately took my bag which was already packed 4weeks back. Applied make up, took some photos with the belly for the last time as my friends insisted and told Mani and My mom "let's go!"  . My mum suggested that this is not how the pains would be like. "You will go insane when the pains come" she said. . I said, yes, I am going insane. I need to go to doc! We arrived at the hospital and after checking me they politely asked me to go back home. My mum was right they were false pains and with a pain killer they died down. After another membrane sweep that afternoon I got terrible pains after which I don't remember any of it. just holding my baby. There was so much drama of getting head aches and having BP which was higher than 200 at a time and then after 13hours of labour they suggested they would do C-section because of high BP and my contractions stopped. After so much prayer and willpower, Mani and I managed to push the baby out and have a normal delivery. There was Mani beside me at every contraction, encouraging me to push, and saying "you can do it, you are nearly there!" and I was in no mood to listen to anyone. I asked him to keep quiet. Now, when I think it makes me laugh but it shows the concern and love he had for me for which I will always be  - I don't know, indebted, or may be not! After all, it's his baby too and I am going through all the pain for him, ain't it! Thanks Mani for being my friend, lover, guardian and everything else that a girl can ask. Of course for being my husband tooJ. After a zillion pushes and 16.5hours of labour, there she was and I could suddenly feel the emptiness in me and a sudden urge to hold my baby and hug her tight. I could see Mani burst into tears and with his trembling hands going towards the midwife wanting to hold the baby. They insisted that he cut the umbilical cord which he did. He thought cutting it was gross before all this began. They turned her towards me and I felt as if she was looking right into my eye and her sharp eyes and cheek dents was what I noticed first. She calmed down the moment they put her on me and she curled up to me and that's first the first time I held her in my arms. The way she hugged me made me realise she loves me too… It's the most precious thing I ever held or touched or felt. A feeling of "she's mine" overwhelmed me. She was just like a washed pearl shining in the oyster. So precious, so beautiful. I felt gratified, Exhausted and content for I am holding my little miracle for the first time and I shall do so everytime. I hugged my mom for I knew only now what it takes to be her in true sense.

I loved the quote I read somewhere and I thought it was apt to quote it here!

 

“But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin.”

-Mitch Albom, For One More Day

 

Dear A, To all the wonderful memories that we are going to make together...... cheers!

Twenty somethings and thirty nothings!

Thirty and flirty: yeah right!!!!! Who invented this phrase?????? I feel anything but flirty and I am not even 30 yet, well close, but still not……. I think the one who goes through the transition from the jubilant 20's to the troublesome 30's only can tell how it feels like being 30. I read a number of articles to make me overcome the fear of getting old. forget about comforting me, they only put me in deeper misery…Now that I am married, a mum and earning decently well enough to make my own wish list for the next decade, here's me telling myself a couple of comforting things to face the change with grace rather than just panicking like a drunken monkey.so renu, here you go:

It's never too late to start a healthy life style: a walk in the park, a healthy meal, hitting the gym, trying out healthier alternatives without starving yourself would never hurt. I am trying my bit here to come up with quick and easy to make recipes which are healthy and boost my energy rather than just boosting my bulging belly.

Its ok not to be a great cook: its right, you were an absolute disaster when it comes to cooking for your in-laws, you had to be taught the basic Tamil recipes like rasam, sambar from your mom in law only to forget moments later and again ask her shamelessly for that special ingredient which would make it authentic Tamil dish which you forgot to put….well, its ok… no one is going to die if you didn't put the right amount of asafoetida in the Sambar. After all, we eat to live, not live to eat…did someone get that right….: P…. if you are able to cook a decent meal just for the two of you and feed your baby a nutritional meal… I guess that's enough and when the D-day comes for massive daawat-e-ishq kind of cooking comes. there is always bbc good food cooking and varehvah for recipe ideas.

Don't try and be what you are not: now that I am married and have a baby, it is expected of me to be old enough to be matured… I tried very hard to be matured and talk the right thing and be the right one..You know, keep calm and carry on types…. The harder I tried to be someone normal, the more I failed at being that imaginary and rightful person… I realised this change does not happen just because you are married or having a child… it sure does bring in more insight to you as a woman, you know a little more than rest of your unmarried and married but yet to be mum friends but this surely is not a ticket to being an overnight diva of poise, grace and elegance…. You are still learning to manage your work, your baby and your husband, your house, your utility bills, your dishes, your clothes, your endless list of things and its completely alright to be insane at times and be right back to normal or else you would feel like a Robot….eventually you will know how to handle and set a routine for everything…. May be that happy day would come where you have found your peace doing the balancing act….

Take time for yourself and your partner:  Being a full time mommy does not give you any excuse not to be a full time wife…I hear my mom-in-law and even my mum say that the day we were born, there life has turned upside down and the whole importance was given on the babies and they didn't care about themselves or their husbands anymore… a strange feeling sunk inside my stomach and I didn't know what feeling it was…. And only later I realised, it was  a feeling of guilt….that were we the reason for their mechanical life, no vacation, no break from routine. Always cook, feed, send to schools, college , pick from school, pick from college.. is this the life I want for myself? Definitely not… by the time I reach home, feed baby, cook for dinner, pack for lunch, keep the clothes for office tomorrow and put the baby to sleep, it would have already been 11:30, when do I get time to have a decent conversation with my husband? Is this routine going to be any better or with time, would it turn even worse… I am not sure yet… I have to figure out how to balance my life... one thing I am clear is, I need the romance that used to be there between us before the baby and I need to bring it back. Take at least an hour off in a week for your regular threading waxing so that you don't start looking like bear and your partner would still have interest looking into your eye and have a decent conversation.

Make time for friends, make time to make friends: it's a complete stress buster.. laughing, sharing, cribbing and growing with them… in this fast moving world, I can shamelessly say that all my friends are continents apart and I don't make any attempt to make any new friends in my circle. There is hardly anyone with whom I make a decent conversation with for even 5mins near my place without pssting them or pssting myself off. All I am stuck with is my Husband and this is particularly not good when he has work and you have only him to look up to… find alternative ways to keep yourself busy with your baby.. join a new kids group or make a group chat with your friends instead of just typing.. it's not only time consuming to text but also you would never feel content with the conversation as there is always that one bit you would miss to read or put your point across…. And it's never equal to seeing someone in person…

Make peace with yourself: you would have had so many dreams aspirations hopes etc. etc… all will seem to fade and future might appear bleak but have hope that these are just passing clouds and whenever you feel dull just look at those twinkling eyes and see for yourself to believe that you mean the world to your baby… see that even if you make the slightest movement to get water or to loo she will crawl double the speed to catch up with you and bend on her knees and wait for you to lift her up and once you do she will just bat her hands and legs until you kiss her from head to toe and watch her giggle and then, my friend, the world will seem a perfect place to live in J.. At least for that moment. It sure does!