Quarter life Crisis!!!!!!

Just 2 days shy of my 25th Birthday....... Gosh!!!!!!.... How weird does that sound now!!!.........

Its good to be at the right side of 25 where you still want to believe that you are young... and the whole life is ahead of you... Go!!...DREAM!!!...ACHIEVE!!!.. LIVE!!!....... These are the words which people have been telling us and we in fact have been telling to ourselves as well..... But 25 seems a bit heavy for all these things...... I know I sound lame and I already talk like an old lady but I just wish I lived my my last 4 years of life once again...... just one more chance to live that life...... Tell a few people how much I loved them.. tell a few others how much I wanted to ignore them.. convince myself that I have it in me to be what ever I dreamed of.....hmmm... Though I think, May be..Just May be....my life would have been different had I taken decisions differently at different point of times... I don't think it would have been better than this... Thankfully I don't carry any regrets in my life.... God has been good enough to me so that I could keep my head and heart together.I have made Mistakes.. Many of them infact.. yet I am happy, Every mistake was a new learning experience... and helped me understand a different perspective of life... Its part of Growing up.....but again.... Who the hell wants to grow up???

I don't want to grow, understand the responsibilities of the world.. Take things seriously in life.. but then, I look at my mother and realize...the different phases of a women's life.... she was married when she didn't even know what it meant like to be married..... at 18 she was a mother....was able to bear the torture I put her through since my childhood till date.....her patience, her perseverance, her strength to deal with different phases of life.. wowww.....I just wish I was half as good as her in what ever way possible.......hats off womanhood!!!.....

Suddenly I started to feel.... I haven't experienced anything yet..... How it feels like to be married.... to love your husband...to fight over silly things... to wait for the goodbye kiss every day before he goes to office... to hold my baby watch it say maaaaa.......woww..... its an amazing feeling to even dream of......

It has been a fantabulous journey so far but I know a lot more exciting things waiting to unfold in my life....As I cross another milestone in my life... I just pray god to give me enough strength to keep me growing personally and professionally and enough love from loved ones to keep me breathing..........

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!!!!

Fear.....

Fear....

I was wondering about this wonderful feeling... pardon me for calling it wonderful but... 'yes'..It is...
When you are happy or sad.. only your eyes and lips will show... but when you fear something, your whole body would feel the gitters... Hence I call it a Wonderful feeling.... :)

Fear that u are gonna die the next day and u haven't confessed your love to your beloved yet
Fear that your best friend wont like the secret affair that u are having
Fear that your friends would find out that u still read the old crappy mills and boon
Fear that your love would know abt your secret crush
Fear that someday you would lose the one you love dearly
Fear that you may not be able to make it big in your career.

We fear about so many things in life... a few may lead to productive things as they say "Fear is father of Invention" but a lot may not.. it is ultimately your call whether to be worried or to chuck it off and live happily.....I made my cute little lazy brain ponder a while to Identify what may be the root cause of this fear... I could come to only one conclusion... "what would other's feel about it"..... Most of the reasons why we fear is because of this!

You bought a Mini Skirt.... what would your Dad say?
You bought a new Perfume.. What would your husband say?
You made up your mind to marry somebody - would your friends approve of it?
You want to wear jeans at 60 - what would your grand children say?

Yes.. I agree, The Decision of the other person should be taken into consideration.... but to what extent? Unless you are not losing your identity.When you start living for others, you fear.... you fear about everything in life.... your happiness, sorrow, likes, dislikes... everything will be guided by their thoughts...
I have seen my friends backing out on many things in life.. be it about career or about personal life... The Fear that one should live up to the expectations of their parents, friends and relatives.....May be I was one among them, May be I still am.... but wait wait wait.. will I compromise on life changing decisions? NEVER!!!!!..... I am born stubborn.... I am infact happy to be that way.... Its good to listen and compromise with life now and then but if we do that all the time then their would be no difference between you and a lifeless stone. so, Friends.... please stop fearing! be it things, people or time..... and start living every moment as it comes.... I feel like I have given a philosophy session now.. sorry If I bored you.... I had to pour my thoughts somewhere and my blog is my victim...

Still Searching!!

I thought to write so much about Love Love and Love on Valentines Day.... I started and paused a couple of times while writing abt this concept called Love...and I later realized that I cannot write anything about it as I myself am not aware of love and what it truly means in one's life.... Coz when I think of anybody for whom I can give away my life for!I see none other than my family....well... It's in a way good and bad in lot many ways.... bad because, when parents see you as a girl in her mid twenties and not as their sweet little daughter, that's when you must realize that your life is gonna change... A change which is obviously for the worse!.....I am talking abt marriage proposals..about meeting or being forced to meet the guys....I Must say... it's pathetic...On the other hand, it is fun though.... You get to meet the whackiest relatives, the dumbest grooms to be and the craziest stuff that u can ever get to watch....It's almost as interesting as the IPL matches....

I feel like I am in this roller coaster ride which seems to go only in one direction... deep down under:P...here comes My First matrimonial Interview, I didnt get to see the guy, Thank god for that...but I met his so called mooh bola chacha.... They made me sit on a matt... bullshit yaar... it was sooo damn awkward... I was just cursing everybody who is surviving in this whole damn world....he went on asking abt al the crap which is not nessecary in this world...Can u believe it.. he asked me... "hw many backlogs did u have in ur engg?...ur bro is into a good college..y not u?..does it mean that u were not good at your studies in +2"....I still cannot believe how he survived that day...that rishta came from one of our relatives... so had to oblige... else I would have shown him the true me behind the coy me that day....the moment they left, I showed my parents Mahabharat in my very own home and no rehearsals...direct attack:P... I broke the glasses and plates in which they were offered food and drinks... broke the chairs....threw the pillows on which they rested... My papa was so damn worried even to come to my room... it took a week for me to become normal... finally they said that i was too tall for that guy.... thats when i laughed.... may be thats when i thanked god again.. for more than average ht....guys must and should look up to me u knw;)

Second one was way too funny.... though the guy was looking decent n al....we were not interested as i didnt like his designation..... they asked us for my profile pic... we didnt have any good ones.. so that broker said "we will provide u later"... The guys father was insisting on the pics as they also wanted to show me to their family... My papa the great... uttered the golden words.."u can take passport size pics..as of now we only have those.. do u want?...".... That was hillarious....I must say, my papa has superb sense of humor and his timing is simply unbelieveable.The funny part was he was serious ..I just thought to myself.. was i attending a matrimonial interview or just applying for driving license:P...... everybody including the guy was laughing....I expected the guy to think that we were one great cartoon family... all five of us are typical cartoons.. custom made:P...But it was shocking to know that he liked... but alas... we cartoons do have some expectations.. we are still searching for our kind of cartoon... not normal ones...

Memorabilia

It is said that “we should always look forward in life and never into our past”… I don’t know how far this is true but I believe that one should always remember the past where their life has started. It keeps you grounded and helps you take life as it comes… out of very few good things I have done in my life, one is that, I maintained a record of the happenings of my life…The good, the bad and the ugly…..Everything was poured into patient ears of something….. My Dairy! Truly, paper is more patient than person.

My mom reminds me that I was a very calm and stubborn girl. I never really mingled with many people… well, when I have a great company in the form of my dairy, why would I need someone else to keep me entertained. I guess, I am enough to keep myself busy. The other day, I was looking for some stuff over the attic when I found a book in al dust n rust… I pulled it hesitatingly so that the dust won’t affect me in a way it is meant to…I glared at it to realize that it was my dairy when I was …hmmm may be in my early teens… I read it and patted my back…It was hilarious to the core.

It begins with my first suicide attempt and it was written
“The physical pain would be less excruciating than the mental torture I am going through”

I took two drops of tincture Iodine which my father brought for wounds. I really don’t remember why I had to do that but I do remember why I used the word “excruciating”, because my 9th class teacher told the meaning of it in the class just the day before….else there is no way that I knew the meaning of such a heavy word at that age.. I can’t help but laugh at my stupidity.. I made sure my mom was watching me when I was doing this “nautanki”… I thought she would cry and hug me and would give what I wanted… she gave one tight slap instead…FULL STOP.

Then came my birthday, I wore this really pretty dress and loved the attention I was getting but sadly it was from the aunties and uncles in and around my neighborhood. I went to temple and saw from the corner of eye that somebody was watching me… I started pretending the usual girly girly stuff like fluttering my hair, making eye movement.. and made sure I was being noticed by him. He was the best damn cute thing I saw then. I was still doing the “pradhakshans” when he left. Before leaving, he again turned back and looked at me. My heart went “shala lala la”…. I forgot about the incident until I saw him again on the next Saturday when I went to temple… I didn’t see him then but I liked the attention I was being given. There ends the story! I didn’t see him again.. I don’t remember who he was and how he looked.. I only remember the butterflies in my stomach that day…. I wrote in my dairy
“renu…………don’t trust boys… men fall in love with eyes and girls with ears”… The so called heart break makes me laugh my wits out now…

Being the eldest in the family, I yearned for an elder brother. My projects were good but not as great as my friend’s coz their brothers would do it for them. ART classes, CRAFT classes and even music classes, I struggled to compete with the kids as they would be well prepared before as their elder siblings would guide them. I wrote an incident in my dairy which spoke of clay modeling competition and I wanted to make “lord ganesha”… my father took so much pain and made an animal which didn’t resemble anything like an elephant but it definitely did resemble a pig…. I cried and cried as it was a flop show… and my dad suggested me to take it to school and I followed his advice only to get more embarrassed… if there was any prize for the worst clay model.. My master piece would have bagged that…I didn’t talk to my father the whole day and I remember my father genuinely being hurt because of me. We kept that idol to scare the kids in near our neighborhood though!

There was a note of most important decisions which I have taken in my life because of which I am what I am today. I Took up MPC as my stream. I went against their will to pursue my engineering. I was selected for Satyam Interview and on the same day I had written exam for Infy. I chose Infy not realizing how much it would cost if I was not selected even in the written. When I go through my dairy now, there is sense of belonging which I can never feel for anything else. It makes me realize that success always comes from humble beginnings and that no matter how true you are to your friends you got to be true to yourself, coz, there is always a side of ours which even we are not aware of and my dairy makes me realize how foolish, funny, lovely and memorable my life has been. I really got to thank myself for doing this favor on myself:)

10 Things I Hate About You!

I hate the way you crack jokes at me...
I hate the way U ignore me when you are with friends!
I hate the way you crib about silly things
I hate it when you dont talk when you are angry..
I hate it when you hide trivial things from me..
I hate the way you make me laugh..even worse when you make me cry...
I hate it when you dont give up on me!
I hate the way I lose myself to you
I hate the fact that I cant hate you.. not even a little...not even at all...

@dedicated to Heath ledger!!...(10 Things I Hate about you;))..

The Orange Candy

Have you ever wondered what would give us complete happiness? A new job? Handsome salary? Loved ones? Hmmmm…… There was time when all I wanted was to clear my EAMCET and get a seat in engineering college… and later it was clearing the exams with distinction…and then the biggie… INFY….Though I achieved all those small and seemingly huge targets… none of them have ever made me happy …. I mean real happiness… if pleasure can be called as happiness then ya… maybe I can consider myself happy but I could never understand or even now I still don’t understand the enigma around happiness.

The other day, after having a boring day at office I was returning home when it started drizzling… I suddenly had this feeling to shop.. I looked at my wallet and there were around 20Rs…. But I was reluctant to give up… I had to walk half a kilometer to hit the ATM for some money… I wish I literally hit the ATM and it gave me the required amount which means al of what it had then…but unfortunately these machines won’t work that way… but I bet, our comps do work… if you have trouble with your comp and u have tried all possible ways to resolve it and still it doesn’t work…. Just kick its butt hard… it will instantly re-boot and start functioning normally… not only Comp, follow this trick with oven, vending machines n others… my personal experience… IT WORKS … only thing is that it should be office stuff… may be it also allows you to remove frustration at the work place itself so that you won’t carry it to your homes…well, I guess I drifted away from the story…. So going back to where I was, the ATM…

I shopped a couple of things… a few interesting and to be flaunted… a few interesting and not to be flaunted…. And a few ambiguous… ambiguous because there was no purpose for buying these but I just bought them for their sheer extravagance of the color and texture…. Before you ponder over what they were.. let me tell you… these were ribbons… Satin ribbons…. Red, yellow, blue…. please don’t scold me… I just could not resist them.. for a second, I felt like the colors of those ribbons would spread into mine and make it beautiful….

I was heading back to my home when I found the Kwality walls vendor with his small mobile ice-cream parlor… it was drizzling outside and he was running for shelter when I called him and asked what varieties he had….he didn’t show me many flavors’ but I was quite happy with the choice of flavors’ I was given… I took Selections family pack… It was my Mom’s birthday and I wanted to give her something she likes… and apart from the regular Dal n rice stuff… I haven’t seen her being fond of anything till date… there was a time when she reminded me of the day when we ate hot gulab jamoon with vanilla ice cream….I didn’t know where to go for gulab jamoon but at least I thought I can take her Ice cream.. and how could I not take something for myself, my favorite Orange Candy…. I was bargaining for the price with the vendor when he said… Mam ‘This is the bonie today and I don’t think these will be sold.. you want more stuff? I will reduce if you take some more’… I looked at the weather and looked back at him, gave a wry smile and jumped from there…..I was not being romantic as they say in some movie….eating ice cream when its drizzling…. I was just being myself…. I guess that explains it…

I opened the cover of the Orange Candy stick and gently slid it into my mouth… and trust me… the feeling was sooo liberating…. I held the most coveted candy and flaunted to the kids who were passing by me on the road… one of whom cried to his grand pa "for me tooo".... that old fellow glanced at me from top to bottom twice and gave me a dirty look.... I didn't bother... I winked at the kid n showed him the candy again...... I Just didn’t want the candy to melt.. I was savoring every bit of it....good things come to an end too soon but the feeling it left was just priceless….

While itty-bitty raindrops drenched my hair, the cool breeze gave me goose bumps as I was listening to my favorite song in the FM and the taste of orange candy still left kept me wanting it more... I was new to this feeling.. It’s been a really long time I walked, I walked alone, and I walked this long towards my home. Quite different from my daily routine where my papa drops me to and fro from the bus stop…. While I was walking, I got time to ponder about myself and the answer to the question asked about the enigma of happiness. I realized that happiness lies in the sweet nothings of life. In things you do, not because you have to, but because you want to. Not to take everything seriously, to be courageous enough to laugh at yourself, to be passionate about something crazy. Not to miss the simple things while pondering about the mammoth tasks in front you. After all, happiness lies in what you really are, not who you are!!.....

I took the satin ribbons, made a bow out of them and decorated my PC. I guess this will give an answer to all time favorite question of everyone. Whether the PC is girl or boy… of course, see the ribbon.. It’s girl yaar.. :) …. I looked at myself in the mirror and kissed it, it left a hint of orange color on it…I don’t know about my life but it surely did make the mirror colorful.. :)

New Year Resolution!!!!!

Hey its high time that we bid goodbye to the Old year and welcome the New year....
As always, we make ourselves a promise.... a promise that we will live up to our expectations... the irony is that, we never or vaguely define our Expectations about ourselves.....

Its easy to comment on whether it is correct to give the Nobel peace prize to Obama or to randomly throw an opinion on the recent agitation of the "Telangana - Samaikya andhra" issue but when it comes to the personal point of view, things are a lot more complicated than we think they are and to build a concrete plan for the whole 365 days is a commendable task which my friends, I am going to do now.... so, these are my resolutions!!!

1) To Pamper myself... :).. I know, this could be really funny but its true... its been 3 years and I have been working really hard and screwing my little n not so sharp brain a lott...work..hoome...sleep...travel..work...home.... I feel its an endless journey leading to no where... so buddy, Its time...that you really take a few good breaks in between work... or rather work in between breaks... n who cares....You are not gonna be here anyways... *well my instinct atleast says that...

2) huh...huh....Plan for higher studies!!!.... well... I think working and getting paid is a lot better than going back to school.... saluting your teacher , the homework and preparing for exams n all that crappy stuff... But after a day long work .. when you feel that you are just a puppy in the hands of your client and no matter how good a suggestion you give, they are gonna accept the one given by a person who has a million qualifications behind his A** and has no common sense what so ever...The rosy picture shown to the public about the s/w life style is an utter bullshit.... I read the below lines some where:
"The fast and the smart cant be cheap.. the cheap and the fast cant be smart and the smart and the cheap cant be fast"
I guess they are trying to get the smart work as fast as possible at the cheap rates.... and we succumb to pressure and its like delivering a baby before the gestation period is complete. obviously the immature projects fail and leave dissatisfaction in work life.... As my 3 years of s/w life overshadowed my 4 years engg life, i guess i am technically nill in my CORE subject....which leaves me no other choice but MBA... I hope my voice would be heard atleast there... else i always a place to crib.. here :).....

3) Hunt should begin: how to find a decent, responsible, caring, loving, Tall, Dark, Sexy..errr...ok ok guy... suggestions are welcome!!!....

4) Stay close to all my loved ones...... This i guess is in my hands....my best friends and not so good friends:P:P.... I am happy that you are part of life... I have learned to be happy, sad, bad, mad n so on.. all because of you.... I renew our contract of life long harassment to each other by another year...

Happy New year!!!!.... May all your dreams come true and may you have lots of pleasant surpises to look forward too in this year....


Last but not least.... Its one life.... live it....

Love,
Renu